It seems that Hollywood's M.O. is to completely taint my childhood memories pertaining to the films that captured my youthful imagination.
Let's begin with the one that cuts the deepest. Red Dawn
Red Dawn might be the best action film an eight-year-old existing in 1984 could wish for. A bunch of teenagers form a resistance against the invading Russians and Cubans. Why is this movie such a standout to me? Simple really. Something so unlikely that felt ever so possible to me as an adventurous youth. Though extreme, it didn't feel out of reach. I was close enough to high school to put myself in their shoes and far enough removed to look up to Red Dawn's brat-pack-reject characters.
Why will the remake suck Russio-Cuban ass? It just doesn't relate to the times. Changing the Cubans to Chinese ain't gonna cut it either. What do they expect the youth of today to do now? Hide out in Runyon Canyon sending iPhone Tweets to boost the morale of the resistance, occasionally ambushing the local 7-Eleven to racially profile and spit upon some poor guy who is probably from India, as opposed to Afghanistan. Plus since the onslaught of AIDS that has surfaced since the 80's, nobody drinks blood for sport.
Next in the laundry list of shitty remakes: Romancing the Stone
Why will this remake be the Stool of the Nile? Easy. The scribe (and I use this loosely) of Eagle Eye is set to pen the script. Nuff said. If Shia LaBeouf winds up the lead, I'm moving to Tuvalu
The Karate Kid
How, explain to me, is Jackie Chan going to teach the Fresh Prince's son the concentration and finess needed to catch a fly with chopsticks? Chan is what you would get if you had dosed Pat Morita with a Meth/PCP/RedBull cocktail, followed by a crane kick to the nuts. He just ain't cool enough. Not like Mr. Miyagi. My advice to anyone who gets a clear line of site on Jerry Weintraub... Sweep the leg, Johnny.
Here's one that'll make you scratch your head... Back to School
Let me get this straight. Hollywood finds it a good idea to remake a flick that was soley a vessel for Dangerfield to 'riff' his way across a college campus. Not a chance that this movie will be any good. Now, guess who is attending F.U. as a replacement for Dangerfield. Cedric the Entertainer. I'll say it again because it bears repeating. Cedric the Entertainer. There is no one, that I can imagine, that can riff with the likes of Rodney (the closest I can come up with is Will Ferrell and though funny, his schtick becomes tired after a while). Just watch the Bushwood Country Club dinner scene in Caddyshack. Case and point.
I've known for a long time that the investment bankers (that's all they really are) that control Hollywood's perpetual block-buster theatrical released vomit don't have, nor care to have a creative bone in their collective bodies, however, their plan for world domination by the use of Footloose Remakes (yes, this one too) needs to fail. And we're just the people to make that happen.
Show your kids the originals and sleep well.
Wolverines! ~P~
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